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How to Have Hard Conversations
By VICKY BROWN
Confrontation. Conflict. Hard Conversations. Most of us hate to wade into those waters. Kicking up sand – it’s the worst! Most of the time we would rather do nothing and hope the issue goes away. And if it doesn’t then we want to let sleeping dogs lie, and hope it doesn’t cause too much trouble.
But we’ve both been down the road before, and we both know that it won’t get better on it’s own – nope, we’ll have to take an active step to set things aright.
Now if you’re anything like me, when you think of having hard conversations the first thing that comes to mind is talking to a team member about underperforming. – but that’s definitely not the only scenario that can call on you to have a difficult conversation.
What if someone wants a promotion, but you don’t think they are quite ready yet. Or what if they want a raise, and you don’t feel that they have demonstrated the level of contribution that would warrant a raise.
There are so many times a hard conversation just can’t be avoided. So, when you find yourself in the crosshairs, here’s a roadmap to help you out.
First up – remember to emote wisely. Meaning know when emotion is called for and when it isn’t. I think of it this way – when you’re delivering good news, absolutely show emotions (joy, pride, celebration).
But when you’re delivering bad news, take all the emotion out of it. That’s because usually the emotions you’re feeling when things aren’t going well, aren’t very positive emotions – and they’ll just get in the way of clear communication. And clear communication is a critical foundation when approaching hard conversations.
“…don’t use the time they’re speaking to check out because you’re formulating a response to the last thing you heard“
Next, be sure you have the facts. In short – make sure you know what you’re talking about. Don’t go on what you think, or how you feel – you need details, facts, hard information – so you can be sure any decisions you’re making are based in what’s actually going on. I’ve seen it too many times – you hear some part of a story, or a bit of information, or worse yet you’re supposing what you think happened, but you don’t actually know any facts. So you’re just reacting to something that may not even be true. Trust me, leaping before you look rarely has a good outcome.
Now remember, as you approach the conversation (and actually, depending on the situation, it might be a series of conversations) remember that the goal is to find a solution. It’s definitely not tor you to just go off and blow off some steam (remember, keep our emotions out it). You’re trying to find a path forward, and to be successful you have to work together (and it’s hard to think of working with someone if they’re yelling at you).
Now, I hate to say it, but so many times people forget – make sure you have the right setting for the conversation. The location should be private, uncluttered and allow focus. Get rid of distractions – no matter if they’re a ringing phone, an eMail ping, or even a cluttered desk or office. Think minimal. Make it easy for both of you to focus on the discussion at hand.
Some part of the discussion is going to involve you telling the other person what you expected, and how you feel that didn’t happen. And that’s all fair. But remember to align your approach. Relate to them as a real human (not just a cog that’s not being effective); approach the conversation from a positive perspective (how can we work together to resolve this issue, or get to a solution, or at the very least a place of understanding).
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And although I said keep your emotions in check, it’s perfectly alright (and even recommended) that you show empathy. Again, you’re talking to another human, relate to them, have empathy. Now, that doesn’t mean you don’t need what you need, or that the answer is going to change, but at least show a level of understanding.
When you’re talking about what you expect (or expected) be clear about what you have observed that’s contrary to that. And you can even talk about how that gap impacts the work, the clients and maybe even other team members.
Then (and this is THE most important part) – give them a chance to talk; to tell their side; to give feedback on their perspective. Don’t interrupt every 3 sentences because you want to answer everything now; don’t use the time they’re speaking to check out because you’re formulating a response to the last thing you heard; don’t roll your eyes and poo poo them in mid sentence because you don’t agree with what they said. Just – listen. Actively listen.
Show that you’re paying attention, and right there with them in the moment. Then – when they’re done – well then you can engage them in helping find a solution.
I hear you – Vicky, what solution are you taking about. John wants a promotion, and I’m not giving him one – there is no solution. Well, there may be – maybe you and John can figure out together what he needs to accomplish, or what financial milestones the company needs to meet, or what other criteria or goal needs to happen to open up the possibility of considering him for a promotion.
And a pro tip here – if the issue is John simply doesn’t have the skill set, and improvement isn’t trainable – then be honest with him. And yes, you might lose him from the team – but that’s actually better than him hanging around, being disgruntled and insulted because he keeps getting passed over. Remember, it’s either pain now, or pain later.
So again, when you find yourself facing a hard discussion – hopefully this roadmap will help guide you through.
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